I Have an Issue with Facebook

My Facebook profile page

My Facebook profile page

I had been toying with the idea of quitting Facebook for a considerably long time. I was getting bored, wasting a lot of time on it and wondered what life without it would be like. The deciding factor that bolstered my desire to leave the site was the attacks on Paris on 15th November 2015. Whilst feeling a deep sadness for those that had been affected, and a connection as half my family are Parisians, I had no interest in seeing an ocean of shallowness swell before my eyes. Of course there would be an enlightened few that would peel back the layers, revealing a story far-more complex than general mass media reporting and the bovine that believed it. I just couldn’t face the idea of seeing more hash tags saying stuff like #IstandwithParis or the French flag being superimposed over people’s profile pictures. Nor could I be bothered to enter infuriating debates with ignorant “friends” who displayed a narrow compassion, sympathising with white victims of violence, whilst remaining saliently silent for the brown people who’d recently lost their lives to bombs in Bagdad, Beirut and al-Bayda. No, that was it, I needed out. Within 24 hours I’d shut down my account.

My relationship with Facebook

I accidentally joined Facebook on 17th June 2007. I was sat at home in Brighton in the front lounge. It was a hot day and the sun filled the room as I lazed on the sofa, surrounded by a jungle of plants. A girl from university had sent me an email automatically generated by Facebook to everyone in her contact list. Absent-mindedly I clicked on the link and found myself setting up an account. That afternoon disappeared beneath my fingers as I immersed myself in this new world. I added friend after friend, excitedly accumulating throughout the day. The first message I got was from a friend, Liam, who had been trying to persuade me for months to join, but I’d refused, stating that I had no interest in social media at all. Little did I know it would become an almost daily habit for the next 8 years!

My first day on Facebook, 2007

My first day on Facebook, 2007


Over the next few months I had reconnected with people that I would never in my wildest dreams imagined speaking to again. A guy I’d had a passionate fling with many moons ago and had lost contact with as my email account had decided to shut itself down permanently found me, which would have been impossible without Facebook. Kids, now adults that I’d been friends with at primary school had gotten in touch and we formed artificial friendships that had no physical grounding, and would never lead to one. After a while though, I began to question whom I was adding as friends and whom I was accepting, and why was I adding them? What did it mean to have 300 friends? Would I ever get to 1000? I slowly started deleting them, feeling bad for about a minute. When I closed the account last year, I had 970 friends! And that was after a recent spate of removing randoms. Who were all these people? Why were we friends? And how did that affect my understanding of the term friend?

For example, I remember one evening at a party meeting a friend-of-a-friend for the first time and, slightly tipsy, trying work out where I knew her from. I really recognised her. How do I know you I kept asking. Eventually I worked out that we’d never met, but I’d seen her in holiday photos with my friends in Menorca. I’d seen her in her bikini, I’d seen her drunk, I’d seen her at a BBQ and on a boat trip. Facebook was affecting relationships with potential new friends, providing me with a set of representations constructed by themselves and their mates. It was all becoming a bit intrusive.


At first my interaction with Facebook was mostly a lot of fun. I love photography and it was an innovative way of sharing pictures and seeing others from people across the globe. I felt a connection with people that I knew and loved and like I was able to experience their lives through their photographs. Over time however, an element of my relationship with taking pictures started to change. This is actually hard for me to admit as it makes me sound kinda sad but an almost immediate thought would spring to mind after taking a shot. Should I put this on Facebook? How many likes will it get? I began to think of my creative outlet in terms of how much appreciation I would get rather than purely enjoying the process. I guess lots of artists think this way, but because it was Facebook it felt somehow crass and cheap. Similarly, whenever someone else took a photo of me, which I find genuinely uncomfortable, my mind would spring to pondering on how many likes it would get, who would see it and who would comment on it. Photography on Facebook had gone from sharing art to bordering on the vainglorious.

A Selfie?!!!

A Selfie?!!!

Facebook starts to become less fun, more politics

Initially Facebook wasn’t at all serious. There was lots of banter, explicit statuses, expletives, embarrassing pics, the occasional sharing of wisdom and the odd article here or there. Insidiously, the function of Facebook changed from entertaining to political, reflecting my life and interests during that time as well as a shift to the propagation of click-activism and endless memes. My friends then began to include UN Special Rapporteurs, politicians, authors and activists. I began using the site in a very different way, accepting almost any friend request sent to me. I saw Facebook as another opportunity to share information about challenging, confrontational and controversial subjects and that the more people that added me, the more I could potentially influence. Of course this then changed what I said and what I shared. Chat began to take a back seat and, at least for me personally, it all became a bit too serious. I would barrage people with images of burnt bodies after Israel bombed Gaza; with petition after petition requesting people to act on issues I cared about; and a slew of articles attempting to dispel and crush the monopoly of knowledge that the mainstream machine disseminated. Some friends during face-to-face conversations thanked me for my endeavours, saying they read almost everything I posted. Some I’m sure blocked me, getting wearisome of the assault I unleashed on an almost daily basis.

Having become a much more political space, the scope for debate and discussion widened, albeit it in an impersonal and toneless medium, occasionally leading to misconstruction, flabbergasted expressions, rising anger and decreasing patience on my part. Despite this, I have to say, I learnt a lot from people about issues from the occupation of Palestine, feminism, the economic crises, spirituality, food, health, nutrition, geo-politics, art, music and so much more. However, I often felt a deep sense of frustration at some of the ignorance I encountered, finding myself exasperated, dismayed and enraged and later feeling foolish for having allowed myself to become entangled in sometimes seemingly futile chat.

How do I feel post-Facebook?

Deciding to leave Facebook was fairly easy, and as I mentioned before, not a fresh idea, but one propelled by a desire to see what life was like without it. I reckon I spent at least an hour a day on it, every day. I would check it over breakfast, waiting for the train, during breaks, coming home and probably several times throughout the evening. Woah…that’s the first time I’ve ever written that down. It feels like an AA meeting introduction…Hi, my name is Layla and I am a Facebook addict with a mild to heavy habit. So what replaced this endless swiping down streams and streams of memes, petitions, photos and mindless fluff?

At first I seemed to become a more avid user of other sites. Instead of having the red notifications from Facebook, they would pop up on Instagram instead! I felt like someone who had given up cigarettes, replacing them with spliffs: a process of switching without actually clearing. Here are some initial notes I made on my phone about life without Facebook:

Day one: getting rid of all my masters readings and I thought it would be good to put a post up to see if anyone wanted them, but I couldn’t. I’m so used to having a space to advertise things I have that I no longer want or need any more. Weird.

Emailed people that had contacted me with their details the day I closed my Facebook account and it felt good.

Day two: accidentally activated my account when signing into Spotify and had a mild panic attack as I couldn’t shut it down from work. Thought people would assume that I’d given up on my experiment of life without Facebook after less than 24 hours so I asked my best friend Nat to shut it down for me.

Day three: got a little bored at work and wanted to distract myself in the break but couldn’t so stayed focused and present instead.

Day four: I actually don’t really miss Facebook. I thought I’d be pining for it, and although it’s a good time filler when I’m bored, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.

Several days later: setting up a new Spotify account was a pain in the backside as the first one was linked to my Facebook account so I couldn’t sign in or listen to any of my tunes.

At some point: wanted advice on where to buy my nephew a skateboard and would usually put a status up and get tons of suggestions. I asked my brother to do it instead.

One month later at Christmas and finally I miss it. I miss knowing what people are thinking or what they present to the world they are thinking and being included in that process. Still no desire whatsoever to reactivate my account.

Life post Facebook

What do I miss the most? My international friends. I miss knowing what Tara and Jonah are up to in California; I miss Yasmina and my Goddaughters in Mexico; I miss seeing what Sylv is doing in New York; I miss my Colombian families, my Thai crew, the Palestinians, Brazilians, Portuguese, South Africans, Australians and I could go on. I feel very disconnected visually from their lives: their thoughts and ramblings are no longer part of my everyday. I miss reading the occasional inspiring article, or insightful quote, and I miss seeing photos of parties, concerts and events that I’ve been to. I also miss the utility of setting up an events page: they are so freakin’ helpful!

What I don’t miss is thinking about something that seems profound, at least to me, and almost instantly wondering whether to put it on Facebook with the hope that people will find it interesting and comment or click like. I don’t miss meeting up with friends in the evening, them telling me a story and thinking, well, I already know that as you put it up as a status on Facebook a few hours ago;  I don’t miss swiping down streams of mindless tedium masquerading as profundity; and I don’t miss flitting away time debating with people that have absolutely no desire to see things any other way than their own, using Facebook as a platform for spreading racist, bigoted, narrow-minded pomposity disguised as thought-provoking contributions to issues of real gravity. Perhaps in the future I will join Facebook again and limit my intake to once a week or month but for now, life without it seems to be just fine.


I have an issue with periods

 Discussing your menstrual cycle is usually off limits in most social situations, and as someone who has had to deal with periods for over two thirds of my life by fact of being born a woman, I have an issue with that. I don’t write this as some sort of man-hating rant, although my feminist proclivities are particularly heightened and distorted during the time of the month. Rather, I want to have a candid discussion about something that affects billions of women every day, and the men around them.

I have a particularly hard time with my period, mostly the days preceding it. Close friends and family will attest to this, as they certainly get to hear about it being that I am the loquacious, non-socially conforming type. The symptoms vary, as it would seem menstrual cycles are affected by numerous factors, such as stress levels, diet, other women close to you and their cycles and the amount of exercise you have been doing.

Girls in Ocosingo, Chiapas

Girls in Ocosingo, Chiapas

Being that it’s impossible for men to be able to relate, the best analogy I can give is this: remember when you were a teenager and felt uncomfortable in your own skin, hormones raging? Well, it’s a little like that, only every month until you meet the glory of menopause.

This month I am several days late, and for a week now I have felt pretty useless. I am tired, moody, sensitive, anti-social, unable to articulate sentences clearly and have totally lost all sense of perspective. I have been advised by my acupuncturist, who I have been seeing for some time now to help me regulate my periods, to rest as much as possible. And this is what is so difficult. Last weekend I attended a family occasion with people I hadn’t seen for an eternity. In an ideal world, if I could have been entirely honest with myself and put my needs first, I would not have gone at all. Rather, I would have hibernated in my room, keeping myself to myself and resting. Of course I didn’t do that as I put the happiness of others in front of my own needs and although I had a great time and don’t regret going for a minute, I was exhausted, lacked confidence and wanted to lie down somewhere and hide.

Like many women, I have a job. Sometimes my period is so debilitating that I would like to cancel my entire schedule. But how would people react if I said it was because of my period? Instead, if I’m in a particularly bad way, I say I am ill, in effect, l am lying, which is something I deplore doing.

Ideally, I would like to be able to be much more honest. For example, tomorrow morning I have an interview, which will require me demonstrating enthusiasm and energy, amongst other characteristics. I am dreading it! If I could perhaps say: by the way, I’m not my usual self today because I am suffering from premenstrual tension, so please don’t judge my performance then that would be one way of alleviating the stress. Clearly I won’t say that, and the façade continues.

I wonder if some men, and I say some as my family and close male friends are all very progressive and understanding, think of discussing periods as a sign of weakness. In a society where feminism has resulted in women fitting roles that were typically ascribed to men, I often wonder whether highlighting our identities as women is frowned upon. The fact is though that some women have a really hard time once a month and it can affect everything. Would it not be better if periods were less taboo, not seen as a weakness so we could express why we might seem a bit off, a bit moody, sensitive or like me right now, incoherent and lacking perspective?

How would more candidness benefit us all? Well, for a start, I imagine it must be tough for people in relationships at certain times of the month. Men must find women really hard to deal with, and strains might be felt and arguments potentially had. If there were more of a general understanding by everyone that every day life can be impeded by menstruating, and that rather than this being a sign of weakness, it being a mere fact of life, then channels of communication might be clearer and women might feel more understood. In the workplace or whilst studying, if there were more clarity on the symptoms of periods, it might be forgiven if performances were affected, grades lower and attitudes discordant with the norm. I spent several years studying as a mature student and dreaded having my period when an essay had to be submitted or exams had to be taken. Can you imagine if I’d asked for mitigating circumstances due to having my period? I most likely would have been laughed at.

What I would hope to see more of is men accepting that some women have a very hard time once a month and to allow that temporary shift in behaviour without judging it as merely a woman’s issue. We don’t all live in separate spheres, so it would be hugely beneficial if we could be sensitive to each other. I would also like women to feel confident enough to be more outspoken about how their periods affect them. I’m not talking excessively, like dropping at a board meeting in the middle of someone’s presentation that their period sucks and is affecting their ability to concentrate. I mean that when necessary, contextualising how they are feeling without thinking that they are being pathetic. If we were all to be a bit more honest and a lot more understanding, communication would be clearer and as a woman, I’d feel like I could express myself more honestly without being judged.


I have an issue with Tinder

Mais Amor Por Favor: Santa Teresa, Rio.

Mais Amor Por Favor: Santa Teresa, Rio.

To be fair, the title is a little misleading, as perhaps it should read something more like, I have an issue with men. Anyway, that was a negative start to a little rant I’d like to share, which, non-surprisingly centres on technology. If you have had the chance to read the first two posts in this series, then you will recall that my first issue was with selfies, and the next with smartphones. I think we could safely say there is a running theme going on here. I digress, so now let’s explore my issue with Tinder.

I have been single for an extremely long time. I have friends who have been single for longer, but I would say half a decade is a fairly substantial amount of time. Continue reading

I have an issue with smartphones

I have an issue with smartphones

I have an issue with smartphones

This is the second in a series of posts in which I express my latest gripe. The debut complaint was about my disdain for selfies. As the title of this post suggests, yet again, modern technology and people’s misuse of smartphones play a central role in my lament. I will keep it short, won’t provide an array of scenic photographs but will hopefully feel a sense of relief after the cathartic exercise of sharing my thoughts with the willing.

Now, I am aware that the smartphone is an essential piece of kit for many people, especially those working fervently, on the move. It eases people’s lives through assisting in swift communication, the sharing of files, documents and all those sensible things that the employed regularly do. However, there are many of you, and I say you, as I don’t own a smartphone, that seem to have completely forgotten the art of communication. Worse than that, simply being polite whilst in a social situation.

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I have an issue with selfies

New York Selfie

New York Selfie

Up until recently, I didn’t even know what a selfie was. It isn’t a stroke of genius in its explanation: a self-portrait photograph, usually taken on a smart phone or small digital camera. Even the word ‘selfie’ makes my skin crawl, almost as badly as the abbreviation of laptop, which is commonly known in Bristol as a lappy. I want to express today how selfies have made me feel over these last few months, travelling around the Americas.

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